On October 3, 1999, I left New Jersey—and the United States—for good. The truth is, I wanted to go to London to see the world, and add something special to my resumé.

As an undergraduate at Villanova, I was a waste. After having a terrible time adjusting to being away from home my freshman year, I dug a GPA hole for myself I barely got out of by my senior year. Knowing I’d not get into Harvard Business School, or anything like a Top 25 MBA program with my grades alone, I needed to do something that would catch a recruiter’s eye. Going abroad for two years seemed like a smart thing to do.

But life came at me fast. I loved London and was able to sneak into London Business School, eliminating the need to return home to do an MBA. I stayed in London for nearly ten years instead of two. Then, to the shock of almost everyone I knew, I moved to Asia for another two-year gig. Thanks to my incredible planning skills, that two-year trip turned into a 13-year sojourn in which I’d get married, start a family, and decide not to return to the United States. Ever.

My parents had moved to Texas, leaving the Garden State once they knew my life was permanently abroad. They were content there but not very social. Luckily, they were starting to outlive their retirement funds. It gave me the perfect opening to suggest something radical: come live with us.

Twenty years and 1 Covid scamdemic later, I resolved they wouldn’t die in the States without their only child. I’m not big on Catholic Guilt, but hearing of all those grandparents die as a result of the willful ignorance of the medical community and government - especially New York’s and New Jersey’s - I knew my parents were packing up.

It took five years to plan and execute—and convince them this was the right thing to do—but by April 2022, my wife, Pam, my son, Micah, and I were living in Italy, waiting for my mother’s Italian passport to be delivered to her. Once she had that, my parents sold their house and flew to Italy. After living in an Airbnb for nearly seven months, we moved into our Piemontese farmhouse.

While I pat myself on the back for a plan well executed, it hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. I’m no longer their little boy; my wife likes things done her way... and only her way. And who’s that little munchkin running around? My family hasn’t had young children around for a long time.

My parents? Man, they've really aged. (My mother, who reads the Rude daily, will smack me with a wooden spoon later.) We missed the years when they would’ve been active grandparents. Philosopher-Truck Driver John Ring turns 83 this August, shortly after my mother, Phyllis, turns 39 (plus 37). But almost magically, Pop has lost 35 pounds since arriving. While I’d never reveal a lady’s weight, my mother is now 80% of the woman she used to be. Trust me, they hardly leave their recliners. There’s a reason Bobby Kennedy has his job.

Truthfully, Pop misses the United States terribly. Mom, not so much, since she has her lively grandson next to her every night at dinner.

But all this is nothing compared to the fact we’re together. Though I dread the thought of them shuffling off their mortal coils, they won’t die alone. Or in someone else’s home. I’ll feel miserable when that finally happens, but there’s one thing I won’t feel: guilt.

I tell you all this because what I will show you gets my goat. And not many things do. I’m a capitalist to the core. And I follow Ricky Gervais’ mantra, “Just because you’re offended doesn’t make you right.” I never get offended on other people’s behalf. I can’t think of a bigger waste of emotional energy.

But private equity firms ripping off our elders? Screw them.

What Are Private Equity Firms?

Private equity firms raise money from wealthy investors and institutions to buy companies, often using a lot of debt. They intend to improve the company’s operations and then sell it for a profit.

They typically hold these businesses for 4 to 7 years, during which they cut costs, restructure, or ramp up growth to boost the company’s value.

When they exit, ideally at a much higher valuation, they pocket substantial returns—not only for their investors but also for themselves through management fees and a share of the profits known as carried interest. (Because carried interest is taxed at a lower rate than ordinary income, President Trump is currently trying to close this loophole.)

In short, private equity is all about buying low, fixing fast, and selling high—with other people’s money.

What Are They Doing to Old Folks?

According to NBC News:

Residents of senior living facilities typically expect to live out their remaining years when they buy into a community. But a new dynamic in the industry, fueled by private equity firms and other aggressive investors seeking high returns, is altering the deals these residents agreed to. Those… who thought they were protected by their financial contracts soon learn those arrangements can be canceled by a new owner. Among the impacts on residents: soaring rents and reduced amounts returned on deposits.

Private equity firms are buying up old folks’ homes and communities and pricing out those who live there… without their consent.

There’s nothing right about this. Contracts are contracts and should not be altered without both sides’ consent. How this is legal is beyond me.

Why are private equity firms targeting elders? According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 56 million people in the U.S. were 65 or older in 2020, marking an increase of nearly 39% from 2010. The last time this population segment grew as rapidly was in the 1880s.

Here’s one woman’s story, again from NBC News:

The Brays paid a $314,000 entry fee for their townhouse in 2013, plus a monthly maintenance fee. They didn’t own the property, but if they decided to leave, their contract promised they’d receive 85% of the current value determined by a local realtor.

A Vietnam veteran, Bray, 84, thrived at River Glen even after her husband died in 2016. But all that changed with a knock at Bray’s door in late June 2023. River Glen had been sold to a private equity firm and real estate investment group, she was told, and her financial contract was changing. River Glen’s new owners, Jaybird Capital of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and Citrine Investment Group of Chicago, were jacking up Bray’s monthly maintenance from $1,395 to $6,500, a 365% increase, Bray said. And if she didn’t like the deal and left the community, she would receive only 75% of the entry fee she’d paid more than a decade earlier.

This isn’t capitalism. It’s cannibalism by spreadsheet.

Wrap Up

The world is tough enough without worrying about your home being stolen in your twilight years. With financial power comes financial responsibility. Wouldn’t it have been a much better PR play for these private equity firms to take extra care of the old folks?

I hate to sound like some bleeding heart liberal - perish the thought - but someone has to protect the interests of our elderly.

Why isn’t Bernie Sanders bitching about this? Why isn’t Lizzie Warren even 1/1,024th interested? Where’s AOC with a TikTok takedown when you need her?

I usually don’t ask, but please feel free to send this to anyone you think needs to be aware of this situation.

This nonsense needs to stop. Pronto.