Boy, if I were a World War II buff, I’d be massively disappointed in World War III.

Bibi kicks it off by attacking Iran. Then Iran retaliates, relieving the Israelis of most of their defensive missiles. The Iron Dome suddenly looks like an iron sieve. The Donald’s U.S. forces reluctantly jump in to protect “little brother,” only to barely damage anything inside Iran, including the prized Fordow nuclear plant. Iran, saving face, though nothing was destroyed, retaliates by attacking the U.S. airbase in Qatar.

Here’s the current state of affairs:

• The U.S. declared a ceasefire between the two “combatants.”
• Israel’s Netanyahu confirmed the ceasefire and stated that his country had achieved its war objectives. Really.
• Iran agreed to the truce, allegedly, showing remarkable restraint for a bunch of “crazed mullahs.”
• On the one hand, Russia is devastated by the plunging oil price. On the other hand, it no longer has to choose between 2 million Russian-speaking Israelis and its ally in Tehran.
• China has just about had enough of Israel, since Israeli strikes closed the recently opened railroad between Tehran and Shanghai, which can transport oil out of the reach of the U.S. Armed Forces.
• Qatar is pleased with Iran’s aim.

Luckily, someone* sent me a transcript of the Zoom call between these important world leaders. And now, I’ll show you what they said.

The Call

[TRUMP enters the Zoom call, wearing a red MAGA cap and eating KFC.]

TRUMP:

Okay, folks, let’s get started. Tremendous turnout. The best turnout. We’re declaring victory—again—and everyone here knows it.

[NETANYAHU logs in. He looks smug, sipping wine from a Golan Heights vintage.]

NETANYAHU:

Thank you, Donald. Israel has achieved all its objectives. Especially the secret ones we’ll deny ever happened.

TRUMP:

Bibi, you’re welcome. You were very loud. Very explosive. I respect that.

[AYATOLLAH KHAMENEI appears, surprisingly calm, sitting in front of a book on his shelf labeled “Death to America – Collector’s Edition.”]

KHAMENEI:

Peace be upon this ceasefire… How’s Tel Aviv? Or, what’s left of it…

NETANYAHU:

Better than your nuclear centrifuges are doing, Ayatollah…

KHAMENEI:

Are you quite sure…

TRUMP:

…AYATOLLAH! As I was saying, I’m glad you agreed to this ceasefire.

[PUTIN joins from an underground sauna, shirtless, casually oiling a bear.]

PUTIN:

Can we wrap this up? Oil is at $66 and going down faster than an actress on a casting couch. I’ve got oligarchs crying into their caviar!

KHAMENEI:

Your tears are sweet, Vladimir. You supported us, yet say nothing while Israel bombs sovereign territory?

PUTIN:

Listen, Ayatollah, I’ve got 2 million Russian-Israelis asking me why I’m not sending S-400s to Tel Aviv. It’s complicated. Like Tolstoy, but with more shrapnel.

[XI JINPING appears, background blurred — possibly the wreckage of the Tehran-Beijing railway.]

XI:

I trusted both of you. That railroad was the Belt and Road’s crown jewel. Now it’s the Belt and Rubble Initiative.

NETANYAHU:

Oops. Blame the Iranians—they put it too close to their “peaceful uranium centrifuges.”

KHAMENEI:

Maybe next time, we’ll put it under your Knesset.

TRUMP:

Okay, okay, let’s not get nasty. Everyone loves infrastructure… unless it’s American, then we just print money instead of fixing it.

[SHEIKH TAMIM joins, in front of a giant Qatar Airways logo. He looks pleased, almost too pleased.]

SHEIKH TAMIM:

Gentlemen, may I just say… delightful missile accuracy, Iran. Very artisanal. Our natural gas pipelines remain untouched. No casualties at all. Allah be praised.

PUTIN:

Of course, you’re happy. You make money whether we fight or nap.

SHEIKH TAMIM:

Exactly. And we provide both sides with excellent stadium construction workers and media coverage. Al Jazeera will now air a romantic docudrama about this war.

TRUMP:

Here’s the deal, folks. Ceasefire is in. Markets are happy. Oil’s down. Gold’s up. And we all know who saved the world.

PUTIN:

You started the fire by tweeting “Bomb Fordow!”

TRUMP:

Details, Vlad. Let’s not split uranium isotopes.

NETANYAHU:

So… we all agree: I won. Iran gets to pretend they weren’t humiliated. The Donald gets a poll bump. And Putin gets to blame NATO again. Everyone happy?

KHAMENEI:

I’m… spiritually enraged, but geopolitically flexible.

SHEIKH TAMIM:

God has willed it.

XI:

Fine. But next time one of you bombs a Belt and Road project, I’m installing TikTok on your nuclear command systems.

[Everyone laughs awkwardly, except Trump, who’s Googling “TikTok nuclear button.”]

TRUMP:

Is that like Truth Social? Can we put missiles on that?

[Everyone leaves the call except TRUMP, who remains, admiring his reflection.]

TRUMP:

Best peace deal ever. Even Nixon’s jealous. We’ll call it the “Trump Fire and Fury Ceasefire™.” Slap it on our next memecoin, boys!

*No one sent me this… This is what I think this call would’ve sounded like….

Wrap Up

War buffs will be disappointed. But I think we should rejoice in the cordial nature of today’s war. No one wants to incinerate the planet, and that’s brilliant news.

But why people think Iran is less incentivized to build a bomb, rather than more incentivized, is beyond me.

Have a great day.