Welcome to the Rude’s Guide to the New World.

This is meant to help you out and make you laugh.  It’s not an exhaustive list, so feel free to write asksean@paradigm.press if you’ve got any good ones you’d like to add to the list.

Thank you for your continuing support of the Rude.  It means the world to me to be able to write you every day.

Godspeed and God Bless.

All the best,

Sean

Apes

Traders who invest in something quickly without doing any research.

Autistic Trader

Not retards, they actually make money and command the respect of the chatroom.  The retards are all ears around the autistic trader.

#bidenregret

That sinking feeling you should’ve grabbed some 😺  instead of being one.

DD

Due diligence

The homework no investor actually does anymore because it’s all about momentum, baby!

DEFI

DEcentralized FInance

An umbrella term that refers to the myriad ways start-ups, coiners, and other miscreants are trying to disrupt (ahem) the world of central, investment, private, commercial, and retail banking.  May God (or Dawkins) be with them.

DHTTM

Diamond hands to the moon!

The act of ensuring you're still holding the bag when the big crash happens.

diamond hands

When you’re hanging onto a position so hard, you can crush it to create diamonds.  Ant: paper hands

DOGE

A shitcoin started as a joke, but revealed itself to be a high market cap coin.  “I meant to do that,” as Pee Wee Herman would say.  Elon Musk likes this coin.  No, he doesn’t.  Yes, he does.  No, he doesn’t.  And so on, ad infinitum.

ESG

Environment, Social, and Governance Investing

The kind of investing you say you do when you earn zero return for your investors while making sure Black Lives Matter doesn’t burn down your office.

GME and AMC

Stonks that bankrupted hedge fund managers who shorted them.  Probably shouldn’t have named your fund “Melvin,” as that name just begs for an ass-kicking.

FOMO

Fear Of Missing Out

What everyone who didn’t buy Bitcoin at $0.10 feels right now.  Also, the feeling people who paid $60,000 for a bitcoin are angry they felt.

HODL

hold on for dear life

Initially a misspelling of “HOLDING,” it’s become a rallying cry for those with diamond hands.

Loss porn

The art of pouring out your heart when you’ve had your financial bunghole widened and your brokerage account emptied.  Like a sewing circle, but for gamblers.

MMT 

Modern Monetary Theory

The unicorns and fairies version of economics.  The thought that government deficits equal private spending and that taxes will regulate the economy instead of making rich people flee to the warmer climes of Monaco and poor people start a revolution.

NFTs

Non-fungible token

Authenticity certificates for assets - their word, not mine - created out of thin air.

paper hands

Dropping shitcoins like a bad habit instead of HODLing to zero. Ant: diamond hands

Retards

An anagram for traders.  Much more accurate in describing their speculative behavior.

Smooth brain

A moron.  The more folds in your brain, the smarter you are.  So if someone calls you a “smooth brain,” they’re alleging you’re not trading with a full deck.

SPACs

Special Purpose Acquisition Companies

Investment vehicles specifically designed to legally evade SEC registration.

Stonks

Stocks, but with the requisite millennial misspelling.  Of course, it originated in a Memeland, where spell check goes to die.

Tendies

Money, in the WallStreetBets parlance.  Because all these kids really want to do with their winnings is buy some chicken tenders, apparently.

UBI

Universal basic income

Another fiscal theory supported by unicorns and fairies that you can just print up some money, hand it to people, and never have to worry about paying it back.  Instead of redistributing taxpayers’ funds, you redistribute printed money, where everyone pays via inflation. Of course, inflation is just a tax levied by a central bank instead of a government.  Also, the idiotic belief that one day those recipients will “get back to work” instead of creating generation after generation of welfare cases.

Wendy’s

Many of the WallStreetBets kids are minimum wage earners.  They may not work at Wendy’s, but these are the people they identify with.  Not exactly aiming high, are they?

YOLO

You Only Live Once

Formerly: a boomer rallying cry of earning nothing and buying everything while living through the greatest credit expansion in human history. Now: a millennial rallying cry for making stupid gambling decisions because your idiot boomer parents and grandparents already spent all your inheritable loot.